First attempt. I hate dentists. Being referred, I know this can't be good. "Here's a prescription for some medicine that should calm the nerves. It'll make this procedure easier." Somewhere on Union Street I take a sip of water carrying a pill through my digestive labyrinth. I tear up before seeing Doc. "Now this here is Novocain. After that goo you shouldn't feel a thing." Lie number one. Sitting as still as possible, I beg my mind to wander but it refuses. "Raise your hand if you are in pain and I promise I'll stop." Lie number two. "I was in that room the entire time. You told her to raise her hand if she was feeling what you were doing and you would immediately stop. As a mother, it's my job to protect her and you wanting to get your 'job done' at the expense of my daughter's pain is not alright. Fill the hole with paste. We're leaving."
Second attempt. Dentists still suck. Doctor Pain did anything but help me overcome my phobia. Here comes round two. "This will numb you up before we give you Novocain." Half an hour later I claim it didn't work. Was this true? Probably not. "Alright Lindsey, I put an extra packet on twenty minutes ago... It's time to open up. It shouldn't hurt much. You'll just feel a little pressure." I wonder why that initiated a tear. I blame the last doc who told me a giant needle filled with an injection that will be slowly shoved into a tiny slot surrounding my problem tooth won't bring upon suffering. "We're going to have to use nitric oxide to calm her down. See you the eleventh."
Third attempt. I won't ever like dentists. I won't ever like root canals. Who in their sane mind would? Falling asleep in the dentist's chair, no way. Except...This last time involved a mask. "Are you feeling dizzy yet?" I snap back a harsh no. I tell myself it's not going to work. They aren't sticking me with a needle. They aren't drilling a hole in my tooth and straightening its roots. As long as I have a voice, I have the upper hand. My eyes start to roll backwards. Can't. Keep. Them. Open. "There we go Lindsey, all done."
Aww, too bad you didn't stay awake, 'cuz there was a little camera inside my mouth for my root canal and I could watch the excitement on a big flat screen! Probably the doc would have sold me the video--he certainly charged for everything else: seat rent for the waiting room chair; magazine fee, also waiting room; wear and tear on his linoleum floor for the last mile walk into THE ROOM; saliva remover so he could reuse his rubber gloves, etc.
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Mordant humor here, my favorite!